I wish I only lived at night.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
