if you like me you must not know who I am
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
