It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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