he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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