i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm at about main and main street
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
