she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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