he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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