tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
is wine microwaveable?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
