y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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