Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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