Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
