you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
