Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
