i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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