He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
