Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
