so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
