you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
