life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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