Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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