Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
