ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
