I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Mom said you looked used
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
