tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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