Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
