He asked to "fluff my boner.."
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
