It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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