You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
