I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
