i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
