i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
