I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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