I think my vagina is haunted
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Let's get the cat blown out
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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