if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
