I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
