The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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