i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
