Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
