if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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