you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed