She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
kristin has been a bad kristin
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
