Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
