Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
