I just threw up on my dentist
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
