and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
