ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
