He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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