so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
