my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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