hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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