I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
