Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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