My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
