Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
