if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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